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I used to be very scared of publishing my poems. I still am, in a way. I thought my language is too simple, some of my expressions may be awkward, people will not like them, they'll make fun out of me... English is actually my third language. I don't even know why I write in English. But the thing is I don't really ever sit down to write a poem. I sit down to write in my journal, and once in a while my creativity takes over, I see some (usually funny) characters in my imagination and they "speak" to me in a poetical language. I keep writing what I hear, then take these writings out of my journal and leave them as separate poems. I actually hired a therapist to help me figure out why I was so scared to step to the light, to put my poems and songs out. He made some excellent points, I learned a lot, yet still didn't go forward. I actually had an amazing person (Oprah Winfrey) ask me: "Send those poems to me, and you send them fast!" I didn't do it. The fear was so big, almost as if a spell was placed over me. It is my own poem that actually helped me move forward:
...Maybe I sense death, or maybe I fear that once fear is gone I would have to appear.
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Yes, I always heard voices in my head. Ever since I was a little girl, someone in there was talking to me. Sometimes it feels real. I have given different names to those voices, and they became even more alive. Sometimes they tell me their names. Yes, I can see them, just like I see people. I can describe with every detail things about them: what are they doing, what are they wearing, etc. Sometimes they tell me things that I didn't even seem to think about, well, sometimes they tell me things that I really don't like to hear. In many of my poems some of those characters talk to me, and I write down their opinions. Yes, the thought crossed my mind that something is wrong with me. I learned fairy quickly not to admit to my parents, or teachers that I hear those things, and see these people. In some way I kept them as my secret. My sweet secret, as I absolutely love the fact that I can have all those special to me inner dialogs. I do learn a lot from them. Sometimes I turn to my invisible faculty of good advisors with questions, and somehow they provide me with answers or with more questions that somehow will lead me to an answer, often in a poem like style. Today I received a little saying via e-mail from a friend. That saying made me feel so good. I no longer, not ever have to feel embarrassed about any of my inner chatter. Here is the saying that I got:
"Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever." That made me happy. What I am learning, is a total acceptance of my mind. |
LILIANAI am a thinker, I love people, and I love the mystery of our inner world! My poetry and music are my tools to discovering this mystery. Categories
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