Journal entry 3.5.24, 4am
Heidi* helped me realize that that accident, the sudden bang on my right side, brought back Martial Law. She pushed me to tell her where my body felt it and what it felt like. I couldn’t. My mind was so critical of myself as I KNEW that I shouldn’t feel that way. I knew that my life wasn't in danger now. My mind knew that I was lucky that neither Liz nor I were seriously injured. But my body was completely on a different path. I felt safe with Heidi. I finally was able to admit to myself, and with great embarrassment, admit to her, that it felt like death. Just as when I was young and that tank drove over the barricade, coming straight at us, smashing my friend’s leg. Then us running like crazy for shelter, where the triangle of ZOMO with machine guns came at as. Heidi said this is PTSD. When that lady T-boned my car there was a sudden bang, but we were not badly wounded. Yet, ever since then I have felt unsafe and so terrorized. I know it was overall a small accident. John makes it so simple. But I feel so scared, like it is war, all over again. Wow. I don’t need to go to therapy to feel better. I can handle my feelings. I need to go to therapy to get help to move from A to B. I hate being paralyzed like this, disconnected. I need to understand this.
THEN THE POEM CAME. I called it later, "Suddenly It's Then"
Dedicated to all who fought for freedom. I also did. I finally understood, that I was in such denial, but now I have to accept that, at times, I still struggle with PTSD.
*Heidi was my domestic violence counselor whom I worked with years ago. I reached out to her as I didn't know what was happening to me after the car accident on Feb 3, 2023.
***
Heidi* helped me realize that that accident, the sudden bang on my right side, brought back Martial Law. She pushed me to tell her where my body felt it and what it felt like. I couldn’t. My mind was so critical of myself as I KNEW that I shouldn’t feel that way. I knew that my life wasn't in danger now. My mind knew that I was lucky that neither Liz nor I were seriously injured. But my body was completely on a different path. I felt safe with Heidi. I finally was able to admit to myself, and with great embarrassment, admit to her, that it felt like death. Just as when I was young and that tank drove over the barricade, coming straight at us, smashing my friend’s leg. Then us running like crazy for shelter, where the triangle of ZOMO with machine guns came at as. Heidi said this is PTSD. When that lady T-boned my car there was a sudden bang, but we were not badly wounded. Yet, ever since then I have felt unsafe and so terrorized. I know it was overall a small accident. John makes it so simple. But I feel so scared, like it is war, all over again. Wow. I don’t need to go to therapy to feel better. I can handle my feelings. I need to go to therapy to get help to move from A to B. I hate being paralyzed like this, disconnected. I need to understand this.
THEN THE POEM CAME. I called it later, "Suddenly It's Then"
Dedicated to all who fought for freedom. I also did. I finally understood, that I was in such denial, but now I have to accept that, at times, I still struggle with PTSD.
*Heidi was my domestic violence counselor whom I worked with years ago. I reached out to her as I didn't know what was happening to me after the car accident on Feb 3, 2023.
***